Harry Potter and the Quest for the Worst Fusion
by You-Know-Who
Summary: *Part Three and Four Added* The evil continues as Harry & Co. search for the Worst Fusion Ever. >:] Poor Harry Potter. Poor everyone else in Harry Potter. Here's what happens when I get no sleep and work too much. Evil always works too hard. >:]
1. Madness Begins

Writer: Hello and welcome to my newest atrocity. Will you join me in looking for the best fusion for Harry Potter? [baby seal eyes of doom (TM)] You will? Yay! 

[Theme song music for Gilligan's Island begins to play in the background.] 

Oh, just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, 

A tale of a fateful boy 

Who before they were killed by Voldemort, 

Was his parents' pride and joy 

His parents were quite a fearless team 

Righteous, brave and sure. 

They didn't know by the end of that day 

That they would be no more, they would be no more. 

The weather started getting rough, 

they obviously lost, 

If not for the courage of his fearless mum 

Harry would've lost, Harry would've been lost. 

He grew up in a Muggles' house before going to Hogwarts 

With obviously himself 

The Weasleys too, 

The stuck-up rich boy and his ghouls, 

Cho Chang 

Professors and Mary Anne, 

Here at Hogwarts School--- 

[Music abruptly stops as Hermione walks onto the scene.] 

Hermione: Wait a minute here. My name is Hermione. [disgustedly] Not Mary Anne. 

Ron: She makes a good point. 

George: [wrinkles his nose.] That and the song is bloody awful. 

Writer: [sighs] Seemed like a good idea at the time. 

Fred: [grins] What time was this then? Perhaps you should have been sleeping like a good muggle. 

Harry: [scratching his head, rather embarrassed] Look, maybe you should just stop. After all, there's already been a movie about me. 

Hermione: [still miffed] What about my name? 

Snape: [making his usual emergence from out of nowhere] Shut up, the lot of you. My name wasn't even mentioned in that tripe. I'm a bigger part of the books than Mrs. Granger and the Weasleys. 

Writer: Okay. Okay. I'll try something else. 

Harry: [groans]

[The music in the background swells as the curtain to the fan fic closes and reopens to a Christmas scene with a bunch of little first years gathered around the tree in the Great Hall singing:] 

First-years:

__

Harry. Harry. Harry. 

Look what you've done for us. 

Harry. Harry. Harry. 

Turned on the fun for us. 

Since you came out way---- 

[Music abruptly stops. Harry comes out looking even more embarrassed wearing a hideous red Lil' Orphan Annie dress followed by Fluffy who has three large red bows around his three necks, and Dumbledore in a wheelchair.] 

Harry: Look, ummm, we don't like this idea any better really. 

Fluffy: [growls and nods his heads] 

Dumbledore: Who is this Roosevelt muggle-fellow anyway? 

Writer: What happened to Snape? 

Snape: [from offstage] I absolutely refuse. I would never adopt a vile boy like Potter. Let alone let them call me daddy or say they loved me. 

Harry: [shudders] Ggrrrrrrooooosssss!!!! You didn't say anything about that. Bad enough I'm wearing this bloody dress. 

McGonagall: [comes out in an ugly flowered dress] You skipped my horrible number though for which I am forever grateful. Imagine me a disgusting, badly dressed woman who hates children. 

Dumbledore: [hides a chuckle] 

Writer: [a tad defeated] Okay. So Lil' Orphan Harry was a flop. [brightly] We'll just try something else. 

Harry: Listen, I think the point we're trying to make is--- 

[Harry gets yanked off the fan fic as the curtain closes again.] 

[The familiar tune of the Indiana Jones theme song is heard as Harry rides past looking 

miserable on a broom wearing a fedora and carrying a whip.] 

Ron: Hold on a minute. I protest for Hermione's sake. 

[Theme music fades away] 

Harry: [sighs with relief] 

Hermione: [comes out in a red sequined dress that was worn in Indiana Jones and the 

Temple of Doom (TM) looking quite lovely] What? 

Ron: She'll make a bloody fool of herself. [looks pleased with himself hoping Hermione will be thankful from being spared a large role in this attempt at a fusion.] 

Hermione: [snarls and hits him in the face.] You ruined my dance number! 

Harry: [takes off the fedora and shakes his head] 

Writer: Errr...perhaps something less violent. 

Snape: [once again appearing from no where.] Perhaps something not about Potter. There 

are other characters in those books you know. 

Writer: Alright. 

Harry: [glares at Snape as he walks away] 

[Scene shifts to that of a waterfall in a forest and moves towards Hogwarts into Snape's dungeon as soft twinkling music plays in the background.] 

Narrator: [a disembodied voice] Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a bitter, middle-

aged Potions master who lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired--- 

Snape [interjects] Now that is nonsense. I'm not even the Professor of the Dark Arts. 

Narrator: Do you mind? Anyway, the man was hideous, sarcastic, moody, selfish, and unkind. 

Snape: [nods and crosses his arms] 

Narrator: But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. 

Old Woman: [Holds up a rose to Snape as he stands at the doorway to Hogwarts.] 

Snape: [takes the rose and walks back inside] Thanks. [He slams the door in her face and goes back down to his dungeon and begins to make a potion.] 

Narrator: Err....ummm....Irritated by his...err.....rudeness and unpleasant disposition, the old woman revealed herself as a beautiful enchantress and magicked herself into the dungeon. 

Beautiful Enchantress: [says rather sulkily with hands on her hips.] You were quite rude. 

Snape: [continues to make his potion without looking up] Don't sound so surprised. 

Narrator: [sighs] Well....because he was so very....unpersonable and mean, she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast. 

[Wave of Beautiful Enchantress' wand, Snape becomes a very puppy-like beasty thing with horns and a long fluffy tail.] 

Narrator: Next, she placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. [Fred and George appear and turn into a clock and a candelabra respectively] Ashamed of his monstrous form--- 

Snape: [cocks his head to one side.] Ashamed? Why on earth would I be ashamed? I'm a hideous beast. [His tails wags and his glares at it] Well, mostly. 

Narrator: I see your point. Hmmm....well, anyway, [ahems] Indifferent though the beast was to his plight, the rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his sixty-first year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. Which was very likely, for who could ever learn to love a beast? 

Snape: [smirks showing his fangs, but it's not nearly as sardonic as he thinks it is.] Thankfully, no one. 

Fred: [scratches wooden head with the golden ornamentation on the clock] Ummm....does this mean I'm going to be a bloody clock forever? 

George: [shrugs with his candle-holder arms.] Could be worse. At least you're not a ruddy candelabra. 

[Teacup comes out wearing glasses and with a small lightening-bolt shaped crack in it.] 

Harry: [You guessed it. he's the teacup.] Or a teacup. 

G&F: [snicker] 

[Scene shifts to the rest of Hogwarts. Hermione appears dressed in Belle's blue dress and white apron, a large tome in her hands.] 

Hermione: [singing] 

__

Hogwarts, it's a quiet castle. 

Every day, like the one before 

Little school, full of little children 

Waking up to say--- 

Sirius: [bursts in on the scene and Hermione glares at him] Hold everything! First of all, I 

should get to be the beast. Second of all....it's disgusting. 

Lupin: [following close behind him] I'm the werewolf here. 

Hermione: [whining] I was this close to being a main character. 

Snape: [bounds on the scene thinking he looks particularly ominous whereas in truth, he looks like a puppy that just finished chasing a frisbee. He is followed by a clock, a candelabra, and a teacup.] What is the meaning of this? This is actually a good idea. I'm a hideous beast! 

Lupin: [bursts out laughing] Awww..that's so cute! 

Sirus: I don't think you read ahead, Hermione. [hands her a copy of the script] 

Snape: [confused, tries to bite Lupin's hand as Lupin bends down to pet him.] What on earth are you doing? [glares up at him.] 

Lupin: [chuckles some more before pulling out a pocket mirror] 

Snape: [takes it rather clumsily into his paws. growls at his face.] What? I'm not hideous at all!!!!!! 

Lupin: [falls to the floor laughing hysterically] 

Snape: [glares at him] 

Fred: [hops over in clock-form]Soooo...we're not going to be various household appliances for good then? 

Lupin: [laughs even harder] 

Hermione: [has been reading the script and turning first crimson and then a sickly shade of green] No [said very quietly] I refuse. 

Lupin: [manages to regain his composure.] 

Snape: [sighs. looks over at Sirius and Hermione before bounding over.] Now what? 

Lupin: [bursts into laughter once more.] 

Harry: [in a small, cute unhappy voice.] I'm tired of being a teacup.... 

Writer: [sighs and pats Teacup-Harry] Fine, fine....I must admit this was one of my poorer ideas. 

Ron: [hops on the scene as a feather duster.] Of all your poor ideas so far, this is one of them. 

Sirius: [joins Lupin in laughing at the lot of them.] 

Writer: [ponders what to do next after turning Snape and the others back into themselves.] Hmmm... let's try this out instead. 

[Scence changes to that of a small English countryside.] 

Narrator: After finding his first snitch-a-mon ever: Wigamon, Harry Potter continues on his quest to seek all of the world's Snitch-a-mon and become the world's greatest Snitch-a-mon finders. 

Annoying male singer: SNITCH-A-MON Gotta seek 'em aaaaalllllllllll!!!!!!! 

Harry: [dressed as Ash with the silly blue vest and backwards red cap. scratches head.] Is he going to sing that a lot? 

To Be Continued 

So what lies in store for the tortured cast of Harry Potter? Stay tune for the next part of this exciting fan fic. :] 


	2. Madness Continues

Author's Note: I probably will update this soon in between studying for finals. Bleech. More than likely, I will update this on my website first then here.

Hermione: [dressed as Misty, her hair in a pony tail, with a wet tank top and jean shorts.] Let's hope not.

Hagrid: [hair spiked like Brock's and wearing a green shirt and black dress pants.] There a reason why I had to be involved in this?

[The bushes behind them rustle and out pops Draco and Snape in Team Rocket costumes.] 

Snape: [brushes himself off obviously irritated by his form of entrance and costume.]

Draco: [smirks]Prepare for trouble!

Snape: [glances up at a strategically placed teleprompter. raises an eyebrow.] And make it double?

Draco: [with great enthusiasm] To protect the world from devastation!

Snape: [glares balefully at the others.] You really don't expect me to say anymore of 

this, do you?

Harry: Well, just move on to attacking us then.

Snape: [smiles] Right.

Harry: [sighs and sweat-drops]

Hermione: [stares at the sweat-drop in terror.] Gaaahhh! What was that?

Hagrid: Dunno, don' care.

Snape: Very well. [pulls out a snitch] Errr...Meeple? I chose you?

[Snitch glows and pops open and out comes what looks like a blue fuzzy ferret with silver wings 

and a fluffy tail.]

Meeple: Meeple!!!

Draco: How very droll. It can say it's name. Now attack them, Meeple.

Meeple: [looks confused] Mee?

Snape: Attack them. [points solely at Harry.]

Meeple: Ple?

Draco: Errr...I think it's too stupid.

Meeple: [looks angry] Meeple ple me ple!!!

Hermione: [turns up her nose in disgust.] How very stupid. 

Harry: [pulls out a Snitch] Here let me try. Errr...Wigamon? I chose you??? What's a Wigamon?

[The snitch glows and out comes a white owl that looks like a very cute stuffed animal version of Hedwig.]

Hagrid: Dear me. [chuckles.]

Snape: [yelling at Meeple] Come on! It's very simple, you attack them! 

Harry: Don't think Wigamon will be very useful either. [sighs miserably.]

Draco: Hurt them!

Meeple: [sniffling] Ple ple.

Draco: Maybe it's broken.

Hermione: Malfoy, how can it be broken? It's just a little blue ferret with wings and a fluffy tail. Honestly.

Hagrid: Appears to be fond of saying bits of it's name though, don' he?

Snape: Meeple, this simply will not do. 

Meeple: [hangs head in shame and sings mournfully] Me me ple ple meeple. Ple ple me me meeple.

Snape: [puts hands over his ears.] This is just horrible.

Writer: Yeah. I'm surprised you all lasted this long.

Harry: Can't..you just do a story about us at Hogwarts?

Writer: [sigh] That's so limiting.

Draco: What do you call this rubbish then?

Writer: Creative License?

Draco: Ah.

Writer: Ok. We'll do something else.

[Groans from everyone else are the answer as the scene changes to that of Sunnydale and the Buffy Theme music begins to play. The opening title reads: Huffy the Vampire Slayer.]

Harry: Huffy? Huffy? What kind of name is Huffy?

[Vampire comes up behind him and quick as a flash, he stakes it.]

Harry: [coughs as the air fills with ash.] I don't like this at all. 

Writer: That was quick.

[Scene changes again to a snow-covered Suessian landscape.]

Narrator: [sounds like Boris Karloff]

Every child down at Hogwarts, liked Christmas alot...... But the Snape, Who lived there just north of Hogwarts, Did NOT! The Snape_ hated_ Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. 

It _could_ be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It _could_ be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think the most likely reason of all, may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. 

Snape: [comes out in hideous brilliant green robes] Now, look. I like this idea, but my heart? Nothing wrong with hating Christmas. [getting eerily in character, lips curling into a sardonic grin.] And they're hanging their stockings

Narrator: he snarled with a sneer. 

Snape: [with loathing] Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" 

Narrator: Then he growled, with his Snape fingers nervously drumming.

Snape: [eerily Grinch-like.]I MUST find some way to keep Christmas from coming!

Lupin: [runs out onto the stage.] I have to protest this. It's going to be a disaster. He's going to ruin Christmas!!!

Sirius: [patting Lupin's shoulder] Look, he'll loose at the end. His heart grows three sizes and we all get to be happy.

Lupin: [sniffles] Really? So he won't ruin Christmas?

Sirius: Of course not.

Snape: What do you mean I won't ruin Christmas? I'm the Snape!!!!

Narrator: [coughs] If you're finished.

Lupin: No! You can't ruin Christmas.

Snape: [snorts derisively] I suppose you're going to try and stop me?

Lupin: [nods]

Sirius: Err...Remus.....ummm...Severus...let's not...fight shall we? [mutters] Don't recall this being in the script.

Lupin: [whines] But...but Christmas...and...children and Hogwarts......[sniffles some more]

Siruis: Look what you've done. Gone and made him upset. [growls]

Snape: [sighs] Fine, fine. I won't ruin Christmas.

Narrator: Err...I'll just take a coffee break then.

Writer: [wnaders out confused] What? What? We still have more than half the story to go. He can't change his mind already.

Hermione: [comes out dressed as Cindy-Lou Who.] And they ruined my part again. [Fixes Sirius with an angry glare.]

Snape: Besides being bitter I'm indifferent to the idea. [points to a sniffling Lupin] Besides, he's going to keep doing the leaking thing until I stop.

Writer: [gasp.] You made him cry?

Snape: Well, not in so many words.

Writer: You're horrible. For shame.

Snape: [raises an eyebrow] Look, I merely was acting---

Writer: You go apologize!!!!

Snape: For what? It's called "How the Snape Stole Christmas." Why do I have to apologize for being the Snape???

Lupin: [sniffles louder]

Sirius: [hides a bemused expression]

Snape: [sighs] Can we just move on to something else? And...err...

Writer: Apologize or else.

Snape: [raises eyebrow] Or else what?

Writer: Wouldn't you like to know. [evil grin.]

Snape: Sure. Let's see. Dish out your worst and then I'll think about apologizing to him.

Lupin: [blinks] That's really not necessary.

Snape: Oh, but I think it is.

Writer: [cackles with glee.]

Lupin: But....but....I'm okay now.

Snape: Oh well. Your fault for leaking.

Lupin: Wha? [scratches head] He's insane.

Siruis: [chuckles]

Writer: Shall we proceed then?

Lupin: I'll go wait off on the edge of the fan fiction for my apology.

Snape: [grabs him by the collar] You will do no such thing. If you want me to apologize so badly, you get to stick around.

Lupin: [meeps] But....[looks at Sirius for some help but Sirius is too busy laughing]

Writer: Okay moving on.

Harry: Don't suppose I get to have any in---

Snape and Writer in unison: No!!!

Harry: [sighs] Thought not.

[Scene shifts to a sunny hilltop where the birds sing sweetly overhead and Mister Sun smiles a magnanimous grin. Fawns romp over the grassy meadow-y expanse. The sapy music in the background swells.]

Lupin: [comes out in a frilly dress] Ummm....the hills are really nice and all...but...ummm.....I can't sing......

[Music dies horrible, agonizing death and Mister Sun fixes Lupin with a menacing glare.]

Lupin: [gulp] See, I'm a minor character....and....I can't sing at all. And.....I'm wearing a dress....

Snape: [Comes out dressed in a nice suit and sighs] Good grief. And you want me to apologize to him?

Writer: Noooo! I want you to continue the scene so we can get to the part where you two kiss.

Lupin: Gaaahhh!!!! Wha?

To Be Continued

So...will they kiss? Will Snape apologize? Will Hermione get to have a decent part in this fan fiction? All that and more in the next part. :]


	3. Madness Begins Anew

Author's Note: I've been rather lazy throughout Winter Break. Hopefully this will make up for it. :]

[scene is still akin to that of the Sound of Music]

Snape: [looks more pale than usual] Kiss?

Writer: [giggles] See, he's Maria and you're grumpy old Baron VonTrapp.

Lupin and Snape: [exchange confused looks]

Writer: Well, the Baron is grumpy and mean and unpleasant. Maria is cheerful and nice and they end up falling in love. It's cute.

Lupin: What could be cute about a nice girl falling in love with a bitter old recluse?

Snape: He has a point.

Writer: Look, it's my fan fiction.

Snape: We have no good reason to [chokes on the word] ki-ss....

Lupin: This is also true.

Sirius: They sure as hell better not kiss....Snape's bloody disgusting enough as it is.

Harry: I don't like this idea either.

Hermione: [whimpering] My part....ruined...again.....

Writer: Not to worry. I have plenty more ideas.

Snape: I'm still not apologizing.

Siruis: [mutters] Fan fic would probably end but nooooo too easy. 

[Darkness falls over Hogwarts castle and Hermione, Neville, and Ron crawl into their beds as Fluffy curls up next to Hermione's wearing three goofy -looking bonnets.]

Harry: [flies over to the windowsill wearing a green leotard and tights and a small green cap with a feather in it. He is followed by an annoying ball of light.] Ummm...this is ridiculous.

Snape: [from off-stage] Just continue. I want to get to the part where I skewer you with my hook.

Lupin: [shudders behind Snape] Grooooossssss!!!!!!

Snape: [gives him a withering glare and waves his hook menacingly] Don't you even start.

Hermione: [whispering between clenched teeth] You bloody well better continue, Harry. Or Snape's hook will be the least of your worries.

Harry: I refuse....this is so....stupid.[throws hat on the stage] Why can't we just be at 

Hogwarts? [sinks onto the sill miserably muttering to himself]

Writer: Awwww. Now Harry...

Harry: Don't you 'Now Harry' me. [irritably] This is humiliating is what this is.

Writer: [pats his head] Just a few more ideas? One of them is bound to be good.

Harry: [mutters] You'd like to think so.

Writer: [sharply] What?

Harry: Nothing. Nothing at all.

[Colors disappear and the scene is the exterior of the Weasley's house which has been covered in cobwebs and lined with tombstones. A familiar 50s TV show tune begins to play and the lawn gnomes begin snapping to accompany it.]

Lawn Gnomes: 

__

They're creepy and they're kooky. 

Mysterious and spooky. 

They're altogether ooky. 

The Weasley Family. 

Their house is a museum  
Where Muggles come to see 'em   
They really are a scream   


The Weasley Family. 

(Neat) 

(Sweet) 

(Petite) 

So get a Hogwarts robe on   
A broomstick you can crawl on   
We're gonna pay a call on   


The Weasley Family. 

Ginny: [eyes her headless doll suspiciously] I don't think I like this idea.

Bill: [smirks showing small pointy teeth] Hey, at least we're in this one.

Charlie: [comes in carrying his head in his hands] This is a good thing how?

Percy: [twirls around in a vampire cape] Wheee!!!

George and Fred: [Siamese twins] How is this any different then usual?

Ron: I'm just the same as ever....

Writer: That's cuz I don't like you.

Ron: Bloody hell.

Writer: Just kidding.

Ron: Ah...okay then. [mutters] Jerk.

Hermione: [storms in] I am not even in this one.

Writer: [hides behind Bill and Charlie] Ummm....oops?

Lupin: [pokes the Writer] How does this convince Snape to apologize to me?

Writer: Are you never satisfied? [sighs] Fine. Forget the Weasleys.

Bill: Hey.

Percy: [still twirling around] Whee!!!

Gilderoy Lockhart: [suddenly comes on the scene] I have been neglected completely!!!!

Writer and others: Oh great.

Hermione: [sighs dreamily] My hero.

Lockhart: [clears his throat] Well?

Writer: [sighs in exasperation] Okay....I get the idea.

[Scene to the exterior of Hogwarts. Strolling out of the Forbidden Forest comes Gilderoy Lockhart dressed in splendid, gleaming armor. He examines his perfect face and platinum blonde hair with his shield. Snape dressed as a Squire follows him muttering savagely. Lupin follows dressed a minstrel happily singing in a painfully off-key tone.]

Lockhart: [looks up and spots Hogwarts] Ah-ha! My keen sense of direction tells me Hogwarts is that way. [he points to the castle]

Snape: [gives him a withering glare] Bloody hell.

TBC

Will Snape strangle Lockhart? Will he ever kiss Lupin? Will he kick some Voldemort booty? Will he make a guest appearance in another installment as Sebastian the crab from the Little Mermaid? Only time and my waning sanity will tell.


	4. Got Madness?

Author's Note: Hopefully this will also make up for my absence and neglect. :]

Lupin: [strums his mandolin] I shall compose a ballad....[to himself] mocking you. 

Lockhart: [ignores them and clears his throat assuming a dramatic pose and cueing the invisible orchestra.]

__

Hogwarts! Hogwarts!   
In far-off France I heard your call. 

Lupin and Snape exchange confused looks mouthing the word "France" to each other.

Lockhart:

__

Hogwarts! Hogwarts!   
And here am I to give my all. 

__

I know in my soul what you expect of me   
And all that and more I shall be   
A wizard who fights evil should be invincible   
Succeed where a less fantastic wizard would fall   
Climb a wall no one else can climb   
Cleave a dragon in record time 

Find a ferocious werewolf and kill him in a brawl. 

Lupin: [looks hurt] Hey!

Snape: [snickers]

Lockhart: [continuing with bravado]

__

No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable   
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare.   
But where in the world   
Is there in the world   
A wizard so extraordinaire? 

Lupin: [points to Hogwarts thinking of Dumbledore]

Snape: [points to himself, swelling with pride]

Lockhart: [points to himself with jubilation]

__

C'est moi! C'est moi, 

I'm forced to admit.   
'Tis I, I humbly reply.   
That mortal who   
These marvels can do,   


Snape and Lupin: [look disgusted]

C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I. 

I've never lost in battle or duel;   
I'm simply the best by far.   
When wands are crossed   
'Tis always the same:   
One blow and au revoir! 

Lupin: [looks ill]

Snape: [goes to interrupt Lockhart and gets hit upside the head with Lockhart's shield as he dramatically extends his arms.] Oof.

Lockhart:

__

C'est moi! C'est moi!   
So adm'rably fit! 

[glares at Lupin who is gagging.]

  
_A marvelous wizard, you fool._

[goes back to addressing his nonexistent crowd of admirers]   


__

And here I stand, with valour untold,   
Exeption'ly brave, amazingly bold,   
To serve at the Hogwarts School! 

Snape: [staggers to his feet and growls in Lockhart's direction. He mutters a spell and a ferocious manticore appears in the woods behind them making straight for Lockhart]

Lockhart: [fails to notice]

__

The soul of a Wizard should be a thing remarkable,   
His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew.   
With a will and a self-restraint   
That's the envy of ev'ry saint   
He could easily work a miracle or two. 

[Manticore smirks showing three rows of sharp teeth and slinks towards Lockhart]

__

To hatred and power he ought to be untaintable,   
The ways of the dark arts should offer no allure.   
But where in the world   
Is there in the world   
A man so untouched and pure? 

[brandishes a sword and begins flinging it about accidentally killing the manticore]

Snape: [whimpers angrily]

Lupin: [hides a small chuckle]

Lockhart: [with a false tone of humility...heh]

__

C'est moi! 

C'est moi! C'est moi,   
I blush to disclose.   
I'm far too noble to lie.   
That man in whom   
These qualities bloom,   
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I. 

Snape: [summons a dragon but it takes interest in chasing Lupin and Snape around the meadow rather than Lockhart]

Lockhart:

__

I've never strayed from all I believe;   
I'm blessed with an iron will.   
Had I been made the friend of Riddle,   
He'd be a good guy still.

Snape: [pauses mouth agape.]

Lupin: [running away from the dragon] Heeeeeeeeelllllllppppppppppppp!!!!!!

Lockhart:

__

C'est moi! C'est moi!   
The wizards have chose   
To fight their battles here, 

[swings sword and you guessed it, accidentally kills the dragon.]

__

  
And here I stand, as pure as a pray'r,   
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare,   
The wizard held most dear!   
C'est moi! 

Lupin: [sinks to the ground huffing and puffing] Thanks.

Lockhart: [pats Lupin's head] It's what I do. Say, you're kind of cute.

Lupin: [blink blink] Wha?

Lockhart: [flexes his "muscles"] Why don't you and I ditch the ugly guy and go make out?

Snape: [His _feeling _has been hurt....yes, I meant _feeling_] Ugly guy?

Lupin: Ummm....errrr...no?

Lockhart: [smiles] Playing hard to get, eh? No need, my little turtle dove.

Lupin: [whimpers] SIRIUS!!!!!!!!!

Sirius: [peeks over the curtain] Yes?

Lupin: [sniffles and points at Lockhart] He's hitting on me! And he was mean! [points at Snape]

Sirius: Oh. That's good. Carry on. [starts to leave]

Lupin: [wailing] You're supposed to kill them.

Sirius: [chuckles] It's almost that time of the month, isn't it? [shakes his head] 

Writer: [in a worried tone] Before you kill them, let's just move on.

Hermione: [appears in a lovely white dress] Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I must be Gwenivere!!!!!!

Snape: [still dwelling on Lockhart's comment and beginning to strangle him] Ugly guy?

Lockhart: [choking] A little help here?

TBC

So will Snape in fact strangle Lockhart? Will Hermione suffer endlessly? Will someone be nice to Lupin and give him a hug? He's been through a lot of trauma...

Why are you still reading this? Have you no life? Have you nothing else to do? Listen to me, man! Save yourself before it's too late! Look away from the fan fic! Run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since you're still here, please stay tuned for the next installment of this story. Please? I'll cry if you don't. ;.;


End file.
